LATE CONVERSATIONS WITH THE MOON

As long as I remember I have been that girl standing on the terrace at night talking to the Moon. Sometimes I am confessing my deepest desires, sometimes complaining about something, sometimes asking certain questions but lately I mostly just admire it and express him my gratitude. When I stand there, late at night, when the whole city is asleep, I finally feel that I am at peace and that the universe is smiling and supporting me, asking me to be patient and to easily surrender to him everything that will come. Yes, you can say I am a real Moon stalker, I could watch it floating through night clouds for such a long time, amazed with his captivating and hypnotizing powers and with most fantastic and authentic shapes of his white puffy entourage that never ceases to transform in this never-ending celestial show.

As I watch the moonlight, my eyes are less tired, my mind calmer and my soul fulfilled, up there is magical, peaceful, liberating and consoling, it is the most authentic and divine art happening up there. It helps me find meaning in all the terrible, sad, and devastating events in the world. It is a reminder that there is still magic in this world, there is still some purpose behind it, a great master holding all the strings, who knows what he's doing and why. I know it may seem not comforting when we look from our small and short lives but I do believe that we are not short or small and our destines are eternal, intertwined, our sorrows are not a punishment but there is something beyond, something we only half know at the moment, that will at one point connect and shows us why our lives are the way they are.

While looking at the Moon, I no longer feel like I need to escape from where I am now to the other side of the planet where life often seems brighter, colorful and promising. Dear Moon, yesterday I read a quote that I can't get out of my head, it says - "There are things you won't be able to do if you don't leave from here, you have to go". I think it best sums up what I've always felt. The thing is that I did go to that big world and still came back from it, of course not the same, but I feel that there is so much that escapes me and that I can't embrace the whole huge world that stretches out in front of me. I feel that even though I still carry that restlessness inside me, I do not wander any more, I no longer force and push people and stories that do not suit me, and I am lighter and a better friend to myself.

However, on nights like this, I can still nostalgically call up something vague, something that didn't even happen or maybe it did in another life. Maybe for people like me, it's precisely that we leave and come back, question ourselves, and confess to you while others are sound asleep, flocking to you from thousands of different corners of this wonderfully mysterious planet. My mind filters everything important and irrelevant through a hazy, confusing film, adding or subtracting layers before letting my imagination run wild. I wonder if he, whose name we won't say it out loud, ever thinks of me, has he realized how well he didn't know me then, how complex and deep my world is and how he never tried to understand it. Oh, dear Moon, I wonder if others are as silly as I am on nights like this, lost in thought and daydreaming on the balcony, lost in a sea of colors and emotions building castles in the air.

I really want to be present in the moment that is happening to me, but I can't. That trait of mine that I wander off, that I am not present, that I hate triviality and directness and look for depth worries me more and more, because it means in a way that I am excludable and unavailable to those who are not like me, that I do not need others, at least not in the way that they need me. Now, to come back to reality, what did I do today that is worth talking about? Strangely, I have the feeling of so much, and none of the kind that befits great interesting conversations. I still haven't done all those tasks from the weekly planner, no, none of that, you know, if you have time I would tell you a completely different kind of story.

Today I played my new favorite song and spun around in circles until no one was around. While I was spinning and listening to the lyrics about how one fine day I'll fly away from here again, everything I wanted started coming down in front of me so clearly, in colors, sounds, and details, from the clothes I would wear, the places I would visit, to the people who would be around me. It only took a few minutes, but nothing today was as significant as that short and liberating time to be myself and be present. The truth is I was somewhere miles away, somewhere ahead of this time, and at the same time, the moment could not have been better used and more alive, me spinning on the kitchen floor, while she, the one that was me from the future, was looking at me. If it wasn't for this me now, she wouldn't even be there, who I love so much, because she made my dreams come true and brought me to that point, which I can only fantasize about now with pleasure. I don't know if that makes sense to you, but I would characterize this silly daydream of mine as a gate, a portal if you will, for all that will come later.

I'm sharing this with you because you know, I don't want that inner world just for myself, I know it's pouring out of me, but I have this strong feeling, almost an urge, that by the end of my story, I have to share it with others, that it has to come out. If an empty shell remains after me, then let it really be empty, the untold story is so sad, I don't know why the unspoken words hurt me so much, the very thought of not becoming myself especially terrifies me. If you want the brutal truth, I think more and more about all those stories about unfulfilled people, people who were left alone before death, people who were not loved, those who hoped until the end while losing others, those who are no longer mentioned I am angry and horrified by such injustice. I'm afraid this unpopular question of mine echoes in the void.

Oh, Moon, you are always in such great company, but of all those mesmerizing guests, it seems that a few stars shine brighter than the others tonight. And then, just like now, I always think of those who have left. I will ask you again, as I did the previous nights, for her, my grandmother, whom I know is somewhere out there, please let her know, once it becomes true, that I achieved everything that we wanted together, everything she hoped for me but it required a little more time, more than she had. I want the same thing for others who fought hard but were beaten down by life. I want them to be protected and find a place where they can enjoy peace, free from pain, and be surrounded by light and calm. Most importantly, I hope that they never lose their connection with us down here.

My silent interlocutor, there are things that are not said out loud to others, it's just like that when you are a human and you know that there are things that others also experience, but you are afraid to share them. However, if somewhere someone feels so alone and has no one to confide in I hope that he always has you. It's funny, you're not even on this planet, and you're the faithful compass of these quiet yet loud nights.

I think it's time for me to leave now. I believe I have shared enough about myself for tonight.